I had trouble with any authoritative figure including teachers, had a bad temper, and suffered from depressions. Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? I am especially happy for your children. I worry about the effects of my husband’s ADD on our family and his parenting skills. You know, these “one-directional” stories proved a huge motivation for me, 16 years ago, to start writing about Adult ADHD, in particular the “denial” aspects. You’re right when you say, it’s not about God or Jesus–it’s about his ODD, cognitive inflexibility, and inappropriate single-mindedness. But once he dived completely in Protestant Christendom, he just became almost unbearable to be around. I appreciate you expanding the conversation. Oppositional. He will not even pay attention to anyone speaking to him for longer than around 5-15 seconds. Our four children are being affected by our relationship and our parenting. I’m glad that Jennie’s story resonated for you. I work out with my mom. No one can support someone better then someone thats been there! It seems like you’ve learned a lot about the condition. But he knows better now, and he needs to do better. I’m not saying not to to try and help her but focusing on the positive is sometimes the very best thing to do. In addition to lifting some of the burden on your shoulders, this can free up time to employ necessary coping strategies and minimize stress. It might at least bring your mum some peace of mind and explain some behaviors, which might lessen the hurt, at least. I didn’t even know how to do that until I was much older. For all his problems, still, I never would have been as exposed to so much in the world or learned to think neutrally unless he taught me. Finally, create a shelf or display for each child’s room for trophies and other important memorabilia. Haha! My dad’s disorganization, faulty memory, and poor sense of time were taxing on everyone. I say I learned the hard way because that is how I felt at the time, like my family ceased to exist. I truly think he was a master of masking his symptoms…he had amazing coping skills. Hang on to your perceptions, because you know that they’re true. But I soon found out how serious it is. g, Your email address will not be published. Now that you are an adult with perspective what would you say to that young girl about her dad? Those were his gifts to me. To answer your question, no I don’t know of such a book. Many of my patients with Adult ADHDare also moms. And he believed in hope and love. I welcome you to share your experience in a comment. Of course, I can see why that is, but still — I want to hear a little more of these stories in an internet so saturated with blogs about managing your ADHD kids. Apologies in advance if I am repeating a question previously asked. When he was around, Mom would treat him as a third child. Scott Shapiro, M.D., is an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at New York Medical College. I suspect my father has some degree of ADHD and or depression. Trying to keep up with all of life's to do's can be really hard. Unsure, You’re describing my mother to a T- from the ridiculous food behavior (like a dog around bacon, any time there is food) to the religious obsession, the non-stop energy, etc. Yet, it might be helpful for you and your mum to understand the nature of the disorder, especially the “denial” that can leave the person so blind to their problematic behaviors and the impact on loved ones. I began to see my husband and his nuances differently. Establish Household Rules and ADHD Moms. Thank you so very, very, very much to everyone who responded. It’s wonderful your family can talk about it, even if it isn’t easy, so many don’t. I am a non with a spouse that is ADHD. As for what’s best for you, obviously, I can’t say. And on that note, I will add that I believe its best to forgive them for doing the best they could even if it wasn’t good enough. In some cases, the situations even seemed abusive. The one thing I hold onto is that I knew and loved my husband before he had ADHD, or before the symptoms were so out of control. You need a grownup in the house. Meanwhile, I’ll pipe in to say that the “communication” problems probably aren’t your fault. Make sure to label the year and any other significant information. so I was always angry with her because she would never actually listen to anything I was saying. I wish you the best, you sound like a wonderful and rightly so, concerned parent. In my long experiences, the most powerful way to help a loved one with ADHD out of “denial” is to get educated and receive validation and support. They have him on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist to test for adult ADHD but he continues with his “nothing wrong with me” attitude which I find the hardest to deal with. Dad getting frustrated with me now. As a young kid, it was great having an adult that all the other kids wished they had as a parent. I find that cruel, too. Even with diagnosed ADHD, treatment is often poorly done. There are dozens and dozens of helpful posts in this blog, too. He is extremely defiant, he is hyper as all-get-the-****-out, he can easily be very destructive, and is almost a garbage can on wheels when food is concerned. It sounds tough and I’m sure feels tougher. I became clinically depressed over time because of the toll of having to manage everything real while he was off doing something else. It had been always obscured by symptoms. If he has challenges that might respond to “environmental supports,” that might help reduce the tension and conflict — e.g. My mom … She’s also a wonderful grandma. Learn how your comment data is processed. We are all in this together and you’re living the perfect example of how it is possible to design a life where your husband “no longer has to apologize for just being who he is.” Wow, I’m just so touched, please know I’ll be sharing your example with everyone who will listen. I take walks with my dogs. It was a relieve really, to finally understand the many problems I have had in my life, but it pains me so much to know the difficulties it has created (and continue to create) for my sweet non-ADHD daughter. But what’s it like to grow up with a parent’s ADHD, especially when you don’t have ADHD yourself? Hi LRM, Thank you for your response. I also think that it’s a decision that ultimately, she has to make on her own. Create an organization system for each child. It became so bad that I wanted to kill myself because I thought my daughter would have a better life without me. My mom said that the doctor who “came up with ADHD” has declared that they made it up?.. Jennie Friedman, an ADHD Coach, is the author of a new eBook, ADHD: A Different Hard Drive? What are the gifts from your mom? I grew up with a feeling I was wrong. I encourage you and your mother to read my first book. First, allow me to commend you for reaching out and looking for help. He is always distracted over things that seem mundane or unimportant to me. You don’t mention if he’s trying to manage his ADHD, so Gina’s book may be a real help. and embarrassing behaviors. There’s no age when a divorce seems fine. Yours is no less valid than your daughter’s, or your husband’s, for that matter, and as you said, she loves you both very much. Mom is an anxious, hard-working woman and they’ve been together for so long but honestly I sometimes just don’t understand why. But having been in your shoes, in a way, I can say that loving your mom despite her faults and appreciating the strengths that she brings to the table for you may be all that’s in your control. , Sincerely, “Taylor J.” ^^^You can stick that name into the search box, and find our family’s story in a dozen or so articles on this blog. I can assure you of this: Many people come to resign themselves to ADHD+ symptoms (diagnosed or not) as part of their “personality” when in fact they are treatable symptoms. There was less chaos in the house and many more opportunities for pleasant family time. Also, if one parent has it and the other does not, the child can witness arguing and miscommunication and misinterpret what is going on. I am in trouble now he gets up and takes the phone book from me. One of the most important things I learned growing up with ADHD in a family with ADHD is we ARE NOT wrong. You don’t mention if you’ve spoken to him about seeking treatment. All you can control is you and your reactions to him. Yes, we are not alone in the experience of growing up with a dad with ADHD, I know it can be really frustrating at times. Right there!” My bad. All these steps can help keep piles and anxiety from building. The next step would be encouraging him to consider treatment. Ultimately, Sandra was less overwhelmed and more confident in her ability to deal with the daily bustle of a working mom. I get really angry about these things, but at the same time I see how difficult this is for him too and I feel so guilty for the way I treat him. As you begin to employ these strategies to create a calmer home, remember to forgive yourself on days when nothing seems to work. My connection with him means alot, because it shaped so much of who I am now. He’s only 44. Not every physician who claims a specialty in ADHD actually deserves that designation. My sister is like your mom to our mom. He accuses us of the things he does wrong around the house, also like leaving the gas hob on. I now have more compassion for my 84 year old mom and see how my non ADD sister struggles to understand her. I’ve been being more patient with her , but in a way even though I’m 15 and she’s 45 I feel more mentally developed than her due to the fact that she can barley pay the bills (what money she does have she gambles away) and has a guy around 24/7 it’s really made me resent her a little . Can be hard on the heart. Receive Gina Pera's award-winning blog posts and news of webinars and workshops. The first step for parents who think that they may have ADHD is to get an accurate diagnosis. Do you have ADHD and feel overwhelmed with trying to balance working and being a mom? It was our normal. If his second language is Spanish, there is plenty of info in Spanish. This sounds like a challenge. What advice would you give a pre-teen or teenage girl about having an ADHD dad? http://amzn.to/2jgyKOT. I recently started on an antidepressant after 21 years of marriage to a man with ADD. Your comment was not too long. It has always just been the two of us. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with less than mature behavior on your mom’s part. He doesn’t listen when I’m talking, he’s addicted to his iPhone, and he is always too busy and overcommitted to do anything with me but talk about college and my athletic career. There is no way to measure the positive impact this will have on their lives but surely it’s immense. Good for you, for successfully navigating a very tricky path. This is just the start for me to start learning more about it. I’m sorry to hear of your situation. With my father though, I feel because of his upbringing in s narcissistic family, he has one trait where he believes there is nothing wrong with him. Fortunately, you still have yours though. (This would have been resolved earlier, or perhaps precipitated a Come-to-Jesus marital conversation, except my husband also has ADHD.) It helps you look at things more objectively so as not to get swept away in the chaos of it all. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. You sound so mature, insightful, and loving and I wish you the very best. I have one child with ADHD thats been busy since the day he was born. Something she will never tell me about from fear of hurting my feelings. If you are not already a member of my free online support group, you are welcome to join. I want her to be proud of who she is and self-confident, but I am the one to ruin it for her with my impatience, criticism and short fused temper, not to mention my frequent inability to be mentally and emotionally present. Do you know of any? Thank you for sharing your story, which is somewhat similar to my daughter’s. I saw my father go on to a much happier, more well-matched marriage. As a kid, the message was “Its her against us.” As the non-ADHD parent, this is horrible. I don’t know what article she read but I … I know it will resonate with others. There are many consequences of being raised by at least one parent with ADHD—some good and some bad, with coexisting conditions contributing to difficulties. Wow! Rate potential dishes on how easily they can be made; on longer days, you can fall back on your “easy” meals of spaghetti or store-roasted chicken. With the emphasis on this ACES philosophy (where every dysfunctional behavior is linked to childhood trauma), I worry that this phenomenon will not only continue but also expand. But she’s happy as a clam now, doing exactly what interests her and not spending much time on things that don’t (like cleaning). In other words, maybe he has not even comprehended your opinions (poor attention span, distractibility, poor working memory, etc.). You sound like a wonderful mother, she’s very lucky to have you. Where her wild antics and enthusiasm embarrassed us as teens, my children adore that she’ll finger paint and tell stories and make messes. Learning boundaries would help. The funny thing, Candice, about being an adult and being “grown up”, is that it’s a mind set. I felt bad for him. I can hear my dad now telling me there is always more than one way to do something! Still, Sandra feels like her life is out of control these days. It certainly isn’t easy. I really appreciate you saying this because as an ADHD Coach I have had people question the validity of my contribution to the cause of ADHD awareness and education. Just a cause of chaos. But the people I have worked with in this area all testify that it’s changed their well-being for the better and are they are happier. I also find that he is quite emotionally immature, having difficulty with empathizing and taking more nuanced approaches to problems. Someone with ADHD, the non-ADHD spouse of someone with ADHD, the ADHD spouse of someone with ADHD, the ADHD parent, the ADHD child, the ADHD sibling…and yes, there must be a million of me..the non-ADHD child of one with and one without ADHD simultaneously the non-ADHD sibling of someone with ADHD. My first book will give your mother (and you) an important foundation of knowledge. Jennie, I don’t know what to do or where to go. She is a 40-year-old married woman and a mom. So I told him it wasnt there. Best wishes, Jennie. Do you think it affected their parenting style or your parents’ relationship? But at least the knowledge can help you and your family put his behavior in context. I finally got a chance to read all of the comments. As hard as it was sometimes growing up I woud do it again in a heart beat. Gina’s book and blog are wonderful resources, I’m so happy you’ve found her site. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my mom very much, but she was never the life of the party like my dad. I can barely stand an hour in her presence. Indeed, I know several people diagnosed with ADHD later in life who spent quite a few years “self-medicating” with certain religions. He also over-committed to others, which took time away from us. Then I became a teenager, and everything fell apart. One of the best descriptions I’ve heard of someone trying to talk to him is “It’s like trying to talk with a kitten.” The cat looks at you for a good 2-3 seconds, and then…well, they’re off in their own world and that’s all folks. Hello. All I can offer is what I would do if I knew then what I know now and could talk to him about it. Then I remember who he truly is inside….his wonderful heart and I tell myself to suck it up and keep stuffing it all inside. I see your daughter and I have a lot in common! Pushing his view on the rest of you might be an ego-defensive cover. She could explain her circumstance first and ask if she would be welcome. It especially means a lot because it is my 17 year-old daughter who sent it to me along with a message about how the article helped her understand me a bit better. In my local volunteer work, I saw so many parents of children with ADHD….ignoring their own ADHD. I’m not sure from your comment just how Dad feels about or manages his ADHD. Hi Jennie, I found out I had ADD at age fifty. All of these present challenges for parents with ADHD. Depending on the children’s ages, some of the chores may include cleaning the table, washing the dishes, taking out the trash, and walking the dog. I wrote it to explain ADHD and its treatment strategies, but also its potential effects on loved ones. School-aged children tend to make a significant contribution to the clutter. Interrupting. I would share articles from ADDitude Magazine and Gina’s blog. Thank you for sharing! Even if its just for a little while… Thank you, Laurie. We laugh a lot, also about the crazy situations my ADD causes. But it’s always in hindsight where we see things better. It changed how my husband treated me and related to me. He has no self control or filter when it comes to wolfing down amounts of food at one time. We *all* have ADHD, and it manifests in different ways, with different comorbidities, and might require different techniques to treat each unique person. They haven’t been on holiday together since I can remember. I was glad to read this article. I learned to love myself and to not blame them for my life and circumstances. At least try to as best you can in order to move forward and develop healthy boundaries when dealing with them. But it was done with love, as you see. Wise advice. I feel so blessed that it resonated with your daughter enough to share it with you. I would look around this site, find some information that you think she might relate to, and print it for her. instead, I would identify (ideally, with him as part of the conversation), what are ADHD-related challenges that interfere with the relationship. Here are some brain images that show the frontal lobe differences in an individual with ADHD in comparison to someone without ADHD. While I do not know of any support groups for people like her and me, I do have a few of us siblings in my See in ADHD Facebook Group. Scott Shapiro, MD - Helping People with Adult ADHD, How to "Outgrow" ADHD with Motivation and Meditation, 5 Tips for Dealing With Narcissistic Siblings, Adult ADHD and Work: Improving Executive Function, When Both a Child and Partner Have ADHD but You Don't, 5 Reasons Kids Tend to Put Moms Ahead of Dads. I can offer my perspective. To encourage someone to continue struggling with their symptoms is not something I am comfortable doing. My mother to me, in my eyes is Wonderwoman, she has provided for the family since early 90’s, worked her socks off. I hope your husband is on board with treatment and is “owning” his ADHD. Neither of them understands the other. I’m exhausted and just when I feel like I’m ready to give up….I read articles like this that give me hope. We hear much about parenting children who have ADHD. As a mom with ADHD, married to a man with ADHD, raising a kiddo with ADHD... Life gets complicated sometimes. When creating household rules, it can be effective to have the entire family participate. You don’t mention it, but if you haven’t pursued treatment for your ADHD, I hope that you will consider it. I always thought my problems stemmed from my early childhood years, and didn’t have anything to do with me and who I am, but it turns out I was wrong. Why did she have to get so mad all of the time? Two Distinct Ways the Brain Stays Focused and Curbs Impulses. Once I realized the effects and severity his ADHD had in me I began to process our 17 year marriage differently. That’s wonderful, that your family story has a happy ending. You cannot control your parents. He would tell my friends and me the scariest ghost stories and then chase us afterward. Thank you so much for posting this article, it such a relief to see that other people have been in my same position. I saw my mom being very parental towards my dad, which probably accounts for some of why I felt he and I were in one camp and she in the other. What needs to be chopped, thawed, peeled, or picked up from the supermarket? I don’t know how my dad lasted 23 years with her. The rules will vary from family to family and the ages of the children. In my case, it was unmanaged. The “conversational” behavior you described is not uncommon with unrecognized ADHD. I could not have visitors. Of course I don’t mind, in fact, I encourage you to reach out to folks who resonate with you, like Taylor. The only other advice I have is to focus on the good with him and try and let those things that you cannot control not stop you from expressing the positive altogether. So, if my voice can help people get to the love part then I’m spending my time and energy well. but recently I’ve been talking to her and we’ve both been trying to understand each other ! But I did know something wasn’t quite right. I have sought treatment, which has opened my eyes even further. It is not made up by anyone. Upon hearing about Sandra’s challenges with juggling responsibilities, her doctor referred her to me for ADHD therapy using cognitive behavioral therapy, CBT. I do know the feeling. Growing up with my entire tribe affected sparked in me the drive to educate others how to embrace our differences so we can just focus on the most important business of loving one another. (I am assuming there are challenges, from your question.) It is probably how he was treated, growing up without ADHD diagnosis. My father is the one with ADHD, I’m much younger though. “See! We are going away on Thursday with the dog for 4 days, very much looking forward to it. But it took a lot of time. | See in ADHD. I like what Gina and Taylor have said in response, and I believe their advice is sound. We looked a lot alike even though I’m an adopted child. All of the qualities that had so enamored me became embarrassing. In addition to therapy, I recommend several day-to-day techniques to practice at home if you are a parent who identifies with Sandra’s situation. One that isn’t so easy to have when ADHD is involved. By working together to change our mindset we have all together created and share in a much more harmonious family lifestyle through patience and love. You have an INCREDIBLE amount of insight & emotional intelligence to be able to separate your dad’s behavior from his religious beliefs. In other words, It is definitely worth you and your mother learning about Adult ADHD. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Even though her husband is very involved with household duties and parenting, Sandra feels as though she is drowning. Thanks for sharing. I would buy him an audio book from Amazon. We are are Danish and sadly there seem to be much less focus on adult ADHD/ADD here. In this day and age, with so much good information on ADHD, ideally, as Gina suggested, this could be a great opportunity for a family discussion. Your email address will not be published. All things considered, it does sound like you are exercising your best available option at the moment. Mom has ADHD! The only addition I have to offer is something I had to learn the hard way. https://adhdrollercoaster.org/tools-and-strategies/new-free-you-me-adhd-book-club/, Are You an ADHD / non-ADHD Combo Kid Like Me? The problem is, for some reason, it seems to cause his ODD to fly out of control. He specializes in treating adult ADHD, depression and anxiety. ADHD is massively undiagnosed. He won’t sit still and read the Bible, or find a church community to pour hius energy into, he just….I don’t know, “revs up”. But it wasnt funny then. There it is! Recently, Sandra visited her primary care doctor for an annual exam. I sure thought it was. I am learning to forgive myself, but I long to be forgiven by my son. I think Gina has a good idea of you helping in educating your mom. No luck. I never thought to look under my sisters initial of her first name. I appreciate your kind words. I would start one myself, if it wasn’t because I know I want be able to follow through. Review rules as often as needed. We have four children. As the person without ADHD in the relationship, you never know how people will react, and so when I wrote this, I did feel vulnerable. There are 9 cars in the back yard, none of which are road worthy. Thanks for sharing your story. Considering how gambling and intimate relationships can help someone with ADHD feel good in the moment, it may be she’ll need professional help to deal with these issues. Haha.) My husband has ADHD (among other undiagnosed things I am sure), and we have a beautiful adopted 6 year old daughter. Hi, me and my boyfriend have been together a year. I hope that what you are suffering through now proves useful or at least informative in the future, as it often has for me in my life. Gets complicated sometimes deficit hyperactivity disorder ( ADHD ) is no way to the. Connect with you a child with “ inattentive ” ADHD. ), drives husband! 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